Photos by Steve Gullick

http://www.gullickphoto.com/

A Pack-Rat of People

I consider myself a pack-rat, not when it comes to my house or my things, but in fact when it comes to people. I am a keeper of people, I never let them simply be someone I knew once when I was six and we played games and watched full house together. No I choose to make them all people I know, worry about, think about, and I bring up every now and again. Whether it be out of love, out of respect, out or jealousy or out of fear, I keep them there, close to my heart, affecting me, reminding me of exactly where I have been and what I have done, good or bad. This has caused me to constantly compare who I am right now to these ever present memories of who I have been.

I recently started to better understand the relationships in my life. Understanding both the divinity and intricacy of everyone who surrounds me. What I discovered in that they are all gifts. Every single one of them. A hard headed boss, a cheating boyfriend, an untrustworthy friend are as much my gifts as my beautiful mother, my goddaughter and my best friend. They are doing exactly what I need. They are teaching me, challenging me, loving me, trusting me and pushing me to a place I never thought I could go. And it is through that connection, that divine order in time that we share stories, make memories, exchange messages and go on. In the past this is where I get confused, I get the message, the memory and I hear the stories, but I forget to let go.

I fear that by letting go of these people I am also letting go a part of me. I know that I cannot hold onto memories forever, I will not always remember how something smelled, or tasted, the way someone’s face looked or hands felt. I have to be reminded that it is ok to forget these things. Forgetting does not make them less real. In truth their purpose in my life was served, they were there when I needed them and have moved on as did I. As I allow myself to forget I can clear that area around my heart, and make room. Room for the people in my life right now, the ones ready to share if I am willing to listen, the ones that are in fact today’s gifts.

Gratitude for all the People I Have Known

As I learn to let go of all the amazing people I have known in my past, I want to express my undying gratitude and unconditional love for you.

To everyone I have ever let under my surface, you know exactly who you are. If you are reading this I understand it is because you still honor me as much as I honor you. I am fully grateful for your presence in my life, no matter why or how I met you, you mattered to me. I am forever thankful for your lessons, your words, your laughter and your tears. They came exactly when I needed them and gave me room to share with you my own. Your presence in my life has helped me get here and for that I will always be grateful. However it is time now for me to be absorbed in my present, know that if our paths ever cross again I will love you every bit as much as I always have, and accept you once again with open arms in knowing that you are once again sharing a part of your journey with me.

“ I know you are strong, may your journey be long, and I wish you the best of luck” - Messages by Xavier Rudd

Be Strong

Emotional Derivatives

I was once told that there are only two real emotions we are capable of feeling. Love and fear. All other emotions are simply a derivative stemming from these. At first it seems impossible, but the more I consider it the more I recognize its truth. That is the reason both of those words, love and fear, will be a constant in this blog. Both are the source of all of my worries, joys, happiness and self doubt. It is inevitably that by choosing to share with you who I am these emotions will be busting out of every word I choose to articulate my personal attempt to understand.

I ask you the same thing I ask myself. Not to judge. My emotions are what they are, I do not justify them, argue them, defend them or try and convince others to join me in them. All I do is write about them, acknowledge them and honour them. All I can offer is myself, and who I am in this moment. I encourage your impute and your comments, especially if they are coming from an equal place. With that said I welcome you in. I welcome you to share with me the love that I feel, the fears I process and all of the other emotional derivatives that go with it.

Photos By Metin Demiralay

Organic Love

When I first decided to write this blog it was as I was stepping out into this world with a heart that was now single, afraid and a little worn in. I agreed to myself that I would only talk about the most important matters of my soul, my spiritually and my journey. Therefore I would have no room to talk about silly boys and broken hearts. I realize now how naive that is. As a 24 year old girl with the world at my fingertips, it is my healing heart that remains as the base of my existence. So here it is, for all to know, my deepest thoughts on love.

Learning to love is in fact learning to let go, when we truly let go we create the space we need to love again. I am patiently waiting for the time when I will share love again with someone amazing, and this time I want it to be different. I am different, so it’s really the only option. I have learnt that you can create the things you want, but first you must be able to ask for them.

So I ask the universe that my next relationship be healthy. In all aspects of the word, in that love I will eat healthy, breath deep, sleep well, feel good, let go and be fearless. I ask for it to be passionate in all the right places, and to emit balance whenever possible. I am asking for a real love that is not processed, or mass produced, with no false advertising, no fillers, no additives, and definitely no synthetic colours or flavours. I ask for only that real, from the earth, raw kind of love. The only type of love that is filled with the stuff needed to make it grow, the only love that knows exactly who it is and where it came from. The kind of love that is considered as sustainable to both itself and its surroundings. I ask the universe everyday to help me find that very love: Organic Love.

Be Fearless

Living in a Norah Jones Song

I recently moved into a new apartment, not just any apartment, but the apartment. The “I’m now a 24 year old woman with a career and I no longer play rock paper scissors with my roommate for dish duty” apartment. There was only one condition for my apartment search: love. I was looking for love at first sight. After six awkward first dates it happened, and like all real loves it completely blindsided me.

I knew immediately it was special, the question was how special. The 1912 brick building with 100 year old hardwood floors and a claw food tub felt like the inside of a Norah Jones song. I should also mention the apartment has a kitchen so small you have to walk sideways through it, coin operated laundry in the basement and 2 small windows with a view of the neighbouring building close enough to touch. So perhaps more like a Norah Jones song playing on a static radio. But beautiful none the less.

Yet agreeing to this place still managed to take me 3 days, 2 visits and about 5 phone conversations. (Much love for everyone who listened to me explain every detail of this place). It took me that long to trust my heart. My cunningly sharp ego spend two days reminding me of every inconvenience, potential issue and paint chip. Despite that my heart managed to beam on, patiently waiting. It was my heart that waited silently while playing images of what picture would sit above the mantel and of asking my mom to help me sew some curtains. So my heart has now turned that apartment into my home, with my inner personality flowing into every part of it. So now this girl will be spending her winter living in a Norah Jones song with freezing cold feet and the warmest of hearts.

(And yes that picture is actually of my apartment)

Photos By Laura Madrazo

Be Mindful

Photos By Luis Beltran

http://www.luisbeltran.es/

Unmerciful Critic

Mercy is something I offer everyone. I have given the ones I love the benefit of the doubt, justification for their actions, a second, third or forth chance and if all else fails they can always just blame it on the fact it’s been one of those days. Everyone that is except for myself. When it comes to my heart I seem to offer no mercy. I expect my friends and family to make mistakes and have character flaws. But I don’t allow myself to play by the same set of rules. I am my own worst unmerciful critic.

I was reminded the other day why we are here; it is not to be the best, the strongest, the fastest, the funniest or the one with the least amount of struggles. It is simply about the journey. About the everyday events that occur in which we are tested and rocked, pulled and challenged. It is about how we decided to respond, it is about the times we are able to choose integrity over easy, respect over judgement.

We will never be without challenges, or hardship. We will never find ourselves without a little dirt on our jeans or tangles in our hair. We are simply asked to be grateful for what we do have, satisfied with what we don’t, and fearless with what we want.

So I challenge you, just as I challenge myself every day. To show yourself mercy, open up your heart, and allow it to soften to your world. Sometimes it is much more important to view your life through a soft heart then it is through a sharp mind.

Universal Call

The universe it constantly providing us with gifts, today mine came in the form of an insight. The appearance of my particular insight was not a result of a spiritual journey, or sitting cross-legged on my yoga mat for hours entering the inner depth of my heart via meditation (although that does sound quite blissful). This insight just simply appeared.

I have gotten into the habit of asking the universe the same questions over and over again, for things such as healing, change, love, and the occasional great hair cut. Once I am ready the universe is in the habit of answering. In the same subtle way the universe always does, whether through an old friend, a moment of inner understanding, perhaps a phone conversation with the most perfect timing or a few whispered words from a loved one. The answer I need finds its way into that place in my gut that I have designated for only the truth.

This particular truth reminded me of an area of myself I have lately forgotten to acknowledge, the incredibly persistent strength of my instincts. I know my instincts are always pretty good, but at times I believe we need that nudge, that small reminder to put faith back into ourselves to really follow those instincts. We sometimes need to see the strength we possess though the eyes and ears of another. Once I chose to look at myself through those new faithful eyes, my spirit is provided with the encouragement I need to take the next step, to soar a little higher and to move on. The universe is also constantly showing you your strengths and your talents, and the question is: Have you chosen to listen?

Photos By Brooke Shaden

http://brookeshaden.com/

Truth for the Journey

Eternal Search for Balance

For those of you out in bloggerland who have been following my writing, I am grateful for your loyalty and I apologize for not having contributed anything recently. The only explanation I have is: life happened. Between a new job, a new apartment and the warm summer sun my attention has been elsewhere. I am sure that most of you can relate. Life has this way of picking us up and pulling us along onto the next thing, rarely giving us a chance to breath, smell the flowers or take care of ourselves, let alone blog about it. Before we know it we find ourselves on the other end of that short journey looking back perplexed at where we have come from.

So of course this got me thinking... how do we find the balance? I would like to think I find that from my family, my friends, my house or even my sketch book. However I know that is not the truth, there is only one place where we can truly hope to gain, find, restore or emit balance. That is from within. Everything around you is constantly changing and evolving. With marriages, divorces, babies, new jobs, new cities and new adventures even our families, friends and homes change. The constant is not the ground which we stand upon, but in fact the centre at which we propel ourselves over that ground.

With all the change around me right now I have made myself one simple promise. Every morning when I wake up I sit quietly alone in a corner of my room. I silence my mind, I offer my body the stillness it deserves, and I meditate. This is sometimes only for 5 minutes and some days I end up fighting my ego the entire way. Regardless, I honour what I bring to that moment, and in that still presence I remind myself both who I am and where I will find my strength to undertake another day. And sometimes, when I am really present, I find it, the balance. The world does not stop spinning around me, the emails do not stop flooding in, my bedroom floor is still covered in clothes, but it no longer matters, because within it all, within myself, I am content.