Playing with Fire

The events of my past week have left me with only one recognizable feeling, undesirable vulnerability. In the movies the weather always seems to mimic mood, proving once again that my life is nothing like the movies. Although my city was been recently covered with a crisp clean blanket of snow, the warm blanket of ignorant bliss I have had tightly wrapped around my heart has been yanked away. This has left me cold, vulnerable and as always a tad dramatic. Although despite my discomfort, the events of this past week have served their purpose in clearly displaying the truth. I was once again reminded just how very little I understand about life, and how even less I know about love. My heart has again been feeling one way, oblivious to my body who has been taking stern orders from my ever persistent and loud spoken ego. You know the one, that defensive part of me that is worried more about words spoken and unreadable tones then about warm feelings and fluttering stomachs.

So without my knowing I have once again done exactly what I have been trying so hard not to do. I had been searching for my strength, and recently felt as though I had finally got a firm grasp upon it. Once I could feel it there between my fingers I stepped out of the fire and I ran, focused only on the fact that I had my strength pressed strongly into the palm of my hand. It was just this week, when I finally had ran far enough away that that no one could possible find me or hurt me, that I allowed myself to look down for the first time between my white knuckles, only to realize that what I was holding was not what I was looking for at all. To my surprise I was holding neither my strength nor my courage; I was left here holding only my fears. The very thing I was running from in the first place. I now find myself looking back to where I have been, understanding that this is of course the only place I will ever truly find my strength. In the middle of that very fire, standing tall, self aware and unaffected by the inevitable and always present chaos that is life. Because true happiness is not finding a peaceful world where no one gets burned, it is learning how to find your own inner peace smack in the middle of it all.

So today, against my ego’s better judgement, I am walking again back into that fire. This time I am not quite so concerned with what it is I might run out holding in the palm of my hand, simply looking forward to what I might one day get to hold steadily in the warmth of my heart.